HOMELAND SECURITY, A TRIBUTE

1
One evening when Airport Security
Was on the job but understaffed-
Since bonders wouldn’t give a surety
Bond, fearing that they’d get the shaft
Because what Homeland paid a wander
Meant here today tomorrow yonder;
And, God forbid, at LAX
They bothered with the record checks.
While wanding down a woman’s body,
The wand gave off an awful shriek.
The wander said he’d need to peek.
The woman said, “I know karate
And if you dare to touch me I’ll
Forever alter your lifestyle.”
2
But hustled off by an inspector,
He locked her in a tiny room;
Told her to strip and then he checked her
When all she wore was her perfume.
Not seeing anything proscribable,
He wondered at the indescribable;
And looking up her pussy found
A dildo that he could impound.
He pulled it out. It was vibrating.
She laughed and said that when she’d sit
It would so stimulate her clit
Her fantasy would go x-rating;
And make a long and boring trip
Feel like she rode a rocket ship.
3
He told her that she could start dressing
When from her butt another crept.
This promised to be more distressing
Because it’s given where it’s kept
It’s bound to be a little messy.
“Don’t tell me, miss, just let me guess," he
Said. “ It’s meant to stimulate your…”
“The entrance to my doggie door.
I am a porno starlet training
For my first anal so you see
This dildo's like an anal key.”
“Enough,” he said, “with your explaining.
Just leave now. But I’ll keep these…plugs.”
And she walked out her load of drugs.

A FOREGONE CONCLUSION

There is no legal “cause of action”
For CEOs whose pay’s obscene
So long as there’s no malefaction
By boards. If they report the green,
There’s nothing left that small investors
Can do to managing molestors
Except perhaps to caterwaul
Go home and take two Tylenol.
Let me propose my own solution-
When management is paid outré
The CEO goes MIA;
Or, if we stay his execution,
It is because in his noblesse
He argues that his work’s worth less.

FEAR OF (F)LYING

With women who seem marriage partners,
A man’s less likely to have sex
Before the fourth date. But as hearteners,
She’s shown that she has great prospects.
At least that’s claimed by long-term studies.
While other girls are just fuck buddies,
As marriage partners women wait
At least a month before they mate.
It’s just like flying. Boarding passes
Aren’t handed out until you’ve passed
Inspections going nowhere fast.
But just as with those horses asses,
It finally leads, all in due course,
To having reasons for divorce.

REFLECTIONS ON THE CONSTITUTION (II)

The Founders wrote the Constitution
As a Gordian knot is tied;
Which means there’s only one solution
That we should follow as a guide
To loosening what they invented
To keep in place the malcontented-
Rewrite it so it implements
A program of some common sense.
There’s no need to be reverential
Towards politicians from the past
Who bound their slaves and held them fast
With reasoning purely prudential.
To cut that knot took civil war
And still we’re rowing with one oar.

PROMISES, PROMISES

A study shows that men are liars
As frequently as women are;
But women are the pacifiers
While men compete like boxers spar.
Men mostly falsify the predicate,
While women are concerned with etiquette.
It’s just whatever floats their boat.
Which brings me to why I should vote.
If both can be prevaricators,
To pick a man will do me harm;
While women who pour on the charm
Will promise that they’re mediators.
It doesn’t matter how they’re billed,
For either way they’ll get me killed.

(Mc)Cain

McCain was grubbing contributions
From the Republican elite.
He promised them the persecutions
Of Dems whom he’d turn to lunchmeat.
He’d stand forthright for law and order
And change his mind about the border;
As for campaign finance reform,
He now admitted ‘twas bad form.
He’d stick with Bush on global warming;
And as for the Iraqi war,
“I’m just the man to mind the store.”
It’s true that torture is deforming-
Sometimes it drives a man insane-
As God did Abel’s brother Cain.

THE EARS OF GOD

Reporters caught the W praying
And asked him if he really thought
That Jesus heard what he was saying;
Or if perhaps his prayers were caught
By satellites circling the planet
And filtered out since they could scan it?
George answered firmly with a “No.”
But “no” to what? God got info
Which meant a “yes” God heard his pleading.
“Despite what satellites might scan
They cannot read the mind of man.
Our satellites just aren’t mind reading.
They can’t hear what a man might pray...
I’ve checked it with the NSA.”