THE MAKING OF A SAINT (FOR CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS)

The Pope and Curia sat plotting
How they might make another saint.
"A woman," said a cardinal nodding;
"But one who showed the self-restraint
Of our dear Mother, Virgin Mary.
She was God's perfect functionary-
Who served her Lord, did what He said,
And followed Him wherever led;
Whose silence always could be trusted,
Who knew her place in God's great plan
And kept His secret spic-and-span.
A woman who was well-adjusted
And didn't think it was impure
Her Son fathered Himself on her."

The Pope who was that minute dozing
Almost fell off the Papal throne.
"Though fool. You know what you're proposing,"
The Pope said in wroth baritone,
"Is opening the asininity
Of members of the Holy Trinity
That might lead some wags to suggest
A case of mother son incest?"
"I do admit it seems perplexing."
Then stopped and added with chagrin'
"But no more so than Judas' sin.
Another problem that's proved vexing-
If Judas hadn't ratted Christ,
He wouldn't have been sacrificed.

"And though He might have gone to prison,
Albeit under tight constraint,
He'd not have died, so not have risen.
So shouldn't Judas be a saint?"
"My God, you'll land us in a pickle;
You know how humans can be fickle.
If human logics don't apply,
They ask our priests and bishops 'Why?' "
"But please remember, Holy Father,
That's why theology has laws
That ends with words like 'just because.'
So do we really need to bother?
Your kingdom will survive a putsch.
Just look at President George Bush."