IN PRAISE OF OWNING GUNS (FOR MICHAEL BLOOMBERG AND CHUCK SCHUMER)

Rich liberals are out to bolster

A new attack on owning guns:

If owners wear a shoulder holster

They will be charged: Mohammedans.

But Libyans are out protesting

Without the weapons they’re suggesting

Will bring an end to New York State.

They’ve used their bodies to berate

Gaddafi and they suffered slaughter.

When every man and woman’s armed,

Then fewer of them will be harmed;

The faster old Gaddafi’d totter.

But liberals have got to try

Or else become their own fall guy.

FOR MAYOR BLOOMBERG: SMOKE THIS!

What is it with this ban on smoking,

When outside in the open air?

The mayor must certainly be joking.

Not even in the public square!

Where is the civil libertarian

Will stand against totalitarian

Attacks upon our civil rights?

That’s right… they’re now all socialites.

What is it with preoccupations

That makes us legislate against

Our habits or our natural bents?

That forces us to confrontations

With claims that eminent domain

Is what they say it is?  Raise Cain!

DEMENTIA

Religion is a paranoia

Can turn you Warrior Galahad;

And make you stamp and shout with joy. A

Quite certain sign you’re going mad.

You’re not alone when you are fleeing:

Above you there’s SOMEONE all-seeing

Who listens to your every thought

And says, “Through you is how I’ve wrought.” 

America’s the epicenter. 

Its dogma says, “It’s right to kill

To guard our city on the hill

For Jesus Christ, our Christian mentor.

So killing all who disagree,

We will remain “land of the free.”

DEMOCRACY IN AMERICA

Tea Baggers preach the Constitution;

Obama blathers budget woes;

And both sides fancy their solution

Will prop big business status quos.

And so go after union workers,

By blasting us as (worth)less shirkers;

As if we wandered in despair,

While waiting for Obama’s care.

Check out Ohio and Wisconsin:

You didn’t see us act the mouse

As we fought baggers the in House

To force them out, and try ensconcin’

Democracy where it’s policed...

As Arabs did the Middle East.

SOLDIERS AND STEM CELLS

I say there’s nothing so despicable

As Christian politicians when

They flush and say it’s inexplicable

That we have lost so many men

To war, and say it with sincerity

In this, the land of brute barbarity,

Where stem cells are a “living” thing

While soldiers are served a la king.

For stem cells never feel scared shitless

That, blown to bits, they’d meet their god

As nothing but a fleshy clod.

The troops, unlike stem cells, aren’t witless.

But properties of pols, stem cells

Mean they can’t feel the Afghan’s shells.

ALLAH: A STATEMENT TO THE PRESS

“This nonsense of some hundred virgins

For bombing people in my name

Has got to stop.  My plastic surgeons

Can’t fix what they cannot reclaim.

There’s not enough to even bury.

Besides the part most necessary

Which must be hard, and round, and thick

(What do you call it?  Your ‘joystick’?)

Is always near the detonation

Which means that it is vaporized

And, therefore, can’t be galvanized

For any sort of penetration.

Who’d want a virgin anyway,

Except someone born yesterday?”

IS GOD VIOLENT: A REPLY TO BRIAN McLAREN

God's violent when He grows livid:

Disasters are called “acts of God."

The Bible’s details are so vivid

Because they’re meant to leave us awed.

Who hasn’t noticed that proctology

Is prominent in His theology?

You give Him just the slightest gas

And He gets so far up your ass

That you can’t help begin blaspheming:

Like showing His son who was Boss

By slaughtering him on a cross.

Who’d ever think that was redeeming?

And at The Hague He would be tried tried

For causing Sodom’s genocide.