DISCLOSURE LAWS

“Democrats Lose Traction on Reform”

(Washingtonpost.com 6/11/07)


Last month, the house passed legislation
Expanding their disclosure laws.
Some members though in convocation,
Reluctant to dump Santa Claus,
Said, “Ethics claimed all our devotion;
But now that we’ve some forward motion,
Why register who bundles checks
And sometimes gives us oral sex,
Before we have a huge majority
Of Democrats both in the House
And Senate for then we can douse
All talk of ethics? Our authority
Will be believed. Who cares we lied?
We are the peoples better guide.”

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS (an evangelical plot ?)

Who hasn’t heard that making speeches
Or writing what you want to write
Is educational and teaches
Us how to recognize a blight?
But now we are to be corrected
So other folks won’t feel rejected
With words like “nigger,” “faggot,” “bitch”
That set folks off at fever pitch?
No doubt, these words are truly awful.
But how will progress ever dawn
If we restrict the lexicon
To what’s discreet and make it lawful?
What’s next? That government detain
Who take the name of god in vain?

FOR G.K. CHESTERTON

" It's a test of good religion whether you can make a joke about it."
Chesterton

If it’s a test of good religion
That it can be made out a joke,
Then hope to God it’s just a smidgen
Or Jesus freaks will let you soak
In gasoline then set you burning
Until you’ve proved you’re more discerning
About their church. When you’ve atoned,
They’ll take you out and get you stoned.
If all this seems a bit horrific,
Remember these folks are obsessed
With wanting Satan laid to rest.
Restored now to the beatific,
You’ll see your jokes just don’t amuse
Unless about Islam or Jews.

FOR BROTHER ARAB BLOGGERS

All Hail, my brother Arab bloggers!
Continue in your dissidence
By drilling down like deadly augers
Unearthing all the evidence
That gives the lie to politicians
For what they say or by omissions.
Show how these "leaders" moralized
What hardly could be legalized.
Show them as liars so pathetic
That when they perpetrate a fraud
They do it in the name of god.
Show how they use god as cosmetic.
If all of the above's taboo,
Then show it of George W.

THE DEATH PENALTY (for the SUPREME COURT)

“If I may ask you, Mr. Juror…
I’m sorry. What’s your name?” “It’s White.”
“What do you think of all the furor
That’s only lately come to light
Such that if you've a predilection
For voting death upon conviction,
You’re much more likely to convict?”
“I’d say that I should still be picked.
Who else will stand up for the victim?
Give them due process of the law?
Give criminals their last hurrah?”
“And so you’re saying you’d convict 'em?”
“I’d let my conscience be my guide?”
The D.A. said, “He’s qualified.”

RATZINGER'S DILEMMA

“God overflows with generosity,”
Writes Ratzinger while searching out
The face of god. But man’s ferocity
Is caused by what? He's prone to gout?
The pope claims that God's engineering
Has put the lie to domineering.
But if that's what God really did,
Then why supply us with an id
Which vastly increased our black humors?
God’s either generous or not.
So popish logic goes for naught.
He gave us rage, mass grave entombers.
So "white" of Him. So sing te deum
But to a God of human mayhem.

Ratzinger claims that our dissection
Of Jesus’ miracles casts doubt
Upon the truth of Resurrection.
Take, for example, bailing out
The bride and groom who were complaining
Their wine was gone. The jugs remaining
Held only water. On a whim
Lord Jesus filled them to the brim
With wine. The pope says look to meaning-
(Though miracles might prove too much
Mohammed had the “magic touch”)-
For Jesus by his intervening
Was showing how much God loves you,
But that assumes the story’s true.

Ratzinger claims that historicity
Is not important to the sense
Of what God did. With this felicity-
Which says you don’t need evidence
For little facts like was a Jesus
The god himself come down to ease us
Of our immortal pain in hell-
We bid the real good-by and dwell
In fantasy which knows no fiction.
Now Ratzinger is not a dope,
Although he bears the title “Pope,”
So if we honor his conviction
We’ll need some proof or a la mode
Why not live Brown’s “Da Vinci Code.?”

Without some proof this brilliant scholar
Is nothing but a critic who
Is strangling on his Roman collar-
Which cuts off air to his IQ-
In his attempt to make god Jesus
But purely from an exegesis
Of an unlikely tribal text.
What leaves this reader more perplexed
Is how old books writ by committee
(Except perhaps the books by Paul
Whose brain was injured in a fall)
Are trusted outside Salt Lake City
Where anything can be believed
So long as it can’t be perceived.

We’re certain that the Book of Mormon
Was written twice by Joseph Smith;
That when he finished his brainstormin’
The tablets vanished into myth-
Flew up to heaven where slave traders
No doubt became the books curators-
Which left Joe Smith in full command
Of other farmers’ wives and land.
What’s this to do with Joe Ratzinger?
It helps to have a modern perch
To see how founders of a church
Might make for laughs on Jerry Springer,
If it weren’t sad their brouhahas
Keep humans from a common cause.

As Lenin said, it takes ten pages
Of opposition argument
To show what’s false in what a “sage” says
In just one page. But’s evident
He didn’t mean the categories
Of heavens, hells, and purgatories
Or anything like virgin birth;
Or anything not of this earth.
So let me make a last proposal
By asking how the mind of man
Could ever know a god’s game plan
Unless the gods at our disposal
Were really just a state of mind
From darker ages of mankind?

BUSH'S MONICA PROBLEM

“Ms. Goodling, you have just admitted
You acted on behalf of Bush
To find out all who weren’t committed
To him. You gave a little… push
To women, men who didn’t measure
Up to the man you so much treasure.
Was all of this your own design?
Did Bush or Rove…” “I crossed the line.
I had to make some tough decisions.”
“Like?” “ Who might lie down on their jobs.
You know we get some awful snobs.
As well, I checked for circumcisions…”
“But, Monica…” “Oh, not for sex
They merely were... security checks.

“Besides you know I’ll never swallow
That justice comes from manmade law.
It is Lord Jesus whom I follow
Or, rather, God’s ménage a trios-
The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit-
That helps decide if I’ll revere it.
If Jesus calls upon me to
Decide who comes red, white, and blue,
Then who am I that I would question
What Jesus in God’s name has said?
I'd rather lose my maidenhead.
So in reply to your suggestion,
It’s true I gave a little push
Whom God foretold would turn on Bush.

“But as for having those relations
In which I’d lose my maidenhead,
I found out all their situations
And never took a one to bed.
By laying hands upon a penis;
Or woman on her mound of Venus,
I’d ask if Jesus was their pard,
Who has a crush on Andrew Card.
These served me as a lie detector;
And if their juices didn’t flow,
It’s true they got the old heave-ho.”
“You’ve worked as well the private sector?”
“Yes. For a while I've helped research
Who might besmirch the Catholic Church.”