MY BIBLE STORY

I’d read the Bible if on twitter.

I like my reading short and sweet.

I learned it from my children’s sitter.

And now we use it when we meet.

The Bible might say this is sinning

But I’m approaching my ninth inning;

And don’t have any time to lose

To study Bible don’ts and do’s.

Besides she says she’ll make me happy,

As did the daughters of old Lot

Exactly as the Bible taught.

And she can’t do it with her pappy

Who used to be some kind of priest

Won’t be paroled, won’t be released.

SECRET WEAPON: “PENTAGON ORDERS PROBE OF PSY OPS ON MEMBERS OF CONGRESS” February 24, 2011 AP

It’s difficult to stop my farting,

Especially after eating beans.

They go off as if I am bombarding

The enemy when he convenes

Outside the wire below our trenches.

The good thing is the awful stench is

So potent they think they’ve been gassed

And run away so doggone fast

That we can count the night a blessing.

My problem was that every night

They’d draft to go out and fight.

But trust me now, I’m not b.s.ing:

Obama called me to D.C.

For psy-ops on the GOP.

IN PRAISE OF OWNING GUNS (FOR MICHAEL BLOOMBERG AND CHUCK SCHUMER)

Rich liberals are out to bolster

A new attack on owning guns:

If owners wear a shoulder holster

They will be charged: Mohammedans.

But Libyans are out protesting

Without the weapons they’re suggesting

Will bring an end to New York State.

They’ve used their bodies to berate

Gaddafi and they suffered slaughter.

When every man and woman’s armed,

Then fewer of them will be harmed;

The faster old Gaddafi’d totter.

But liberals have got to try

Or else become their own fall guy.

FOR MAYOR BLOOMBERG: SMOKE THIS!

What is it with this ban on smoking,

When outside in the open air?

The mayor must certainly be joking.

Not even in the public square!

Where is the civil libertarian

Will stand against totalitarian

Attacks upon our civil rights?

That’s right… they’re now all socialites.

What is it with preoccupations

That makes us legislate against

Our habits or our natural bents?

That forces us to confrontations

With claims that eminent domain

Is what they say it is?  Raise Cain!

DEMENTIA

Religion is a paranoia

Can turn you Warrior Galahad;

And make you stamp and shout with joy. A

Quite certain sign you’re going mad.

You’re not alone when you are fleeing:

Above you there’s SOMEONE all-seeing

Who listens to your every thought

And says, “Through you is how I’ve wrought.” 

America’s the epicenter. 

Its dogma says, “It’s right to kill

To guard our city on the hill

For Jesus Christ, our Christian mentor.

So killing all who disagree,

We will remain “land of the free.”

DEMOCRACY IN AMERICA

Tea Baggers preach the Constitution;

Obama blathers budget woes;

And both sides fancy their solution

Will prop big business status quos.

And so go after union workers,

By blasting us as (worth)less shirkers;

As if we wandered in despair,

While waiting for Obama’s care.

Check out Ohio and Wisconsin:

You didn’t see us act the mouse

As we fought baggers the in House

To force them out, and try ensconcin’

Democracy where it’s policed...

As Arabs did the Middle East.

SOLDIERS AND STEM CELLS

I say there’s nothing so despicable

As Christian politicians when

They flush and say it’s inexplicable

That we have lost so many men

To war, and say it with sincerity

In this, the land of brute barbarity,

Where stem cells are a “living” thing

While soldiers are served a la king.

For stem cells never feel scared shitless

That, blown to bits, they’d meet their god

As nothing but a fleshy clod.

The troops, unlike stem cells, aren’t witless.

But properties of pols, stem cells

Mean they can’t feel the Afghan’s shells.

ALLAH: A STATEMENT TO THE PRESS

“This nonsense of some hundred virgins

For bombing people in my name

Has got to stop.  My plastic surgeons

Can’t fix what they cannot reclaim.

There’s not enough to even bury.

Besides the part most necessary

Which must be hard, and round, and thick

(What do you call it?  Your ‘joystick’?)

Is always near the detonation

Which means that it is vaporized

And, therefore, can’t be galvanized

For any sort of penetration.

Who’d want a virgin anyway,

Except someone born yesterday?”

IS GOD VIOLENT: A REPLY TO BRIAN McLAREN

God's violent when He grows livid:

Disasters are called “acts of God."

The Bible’s details are so vivid

Because they’re meant to leave us awed.

Who hasn’t noticed that proctology

Is prominent in His theology?

You give Him just the slightest gas

And He gets so far up your ass

That you can’t help begin blaspheming:

Like showing His son who was Boss

By slaughtering him on a cross.

Who’d ever think that was redeeming?

And at The Hague He would be tried tried

For causing Sodom’s genocide.

ENERGY ASSISSTANCE FOR THE POOR

Obama needs to cut assistance,

Especially to the freezed-out poor

Because he’ll lower their resistance,

Make them less able to endure,

The onslaughts of the corporations

To make them slaves on their plantations.

And while he has a ways to go

Before they’re living on death row,

He’s made a start. He’s not appeasing

The bleeding hearts who cry and moan,

Adopt a high and mighty tone,

About the deaths of people freezing.

When people are a hardened blue,

They’ll rise up as Egyptians do.

THE POLITICS OF ECONOMIC INEQUALITY: IDIOT AMERICA 2

The politics of inequality
Is aided by the certitude
That in a democratic polity
You trick the voters or you’re screwed:
Broke by illegal immigration;
Surmounted with gay liberation-
This is the stuff of culture wars
Turns us rampaging carnivores.
And so we make no forward motion
Against the corporations which
Have hooked us with their bait-and-switch.
What? Lost your job? It’s over ocean?
Don’t blame some poormouth CEO:
Go kill a gay from Mexico.

IDIOT AMERICA 1

Here dinosaurs are wearing saddles

Because the Bible tells us so;

And women are a man’s first chattels;

Blacks still should suffer from Jim Crow.

When these “deductions” from the Bible,

Writ when we humans were still tribal,

Are still believed by people here

It shows their minds have stripped a gear.

And, too, because the politicians,

In their relentless search for votes,

Will pander to what floats their boats.

In fact, encourage dispositions

Where cranks are puffed with self-esteem

And imbeciles are now mainstream.

DISORDER UNDER HEAVEN

When great disorder’s under heaven,
The status quos know they’ve been had
Because they know that they can’t leaven
What’s set the masses hopping mad.
Just listen to Barack Obama
On Egypt’s current “nasty” trauma;
Or Clinton in her latest speech
Where she tries to defend a leech.
This certainly’s to be expected.
FDR said without a twitch,
“Yes. But he’s our son-of-a-bitch.”
And this from one who was elected.
In democratic status quos,
The SOBs are ones we chose.

A BIRTHER’S FANTASY

Mubarak asked Barack Obama,
I know I listened to the call,
How he should end his Egypt’s trauma
Before he ended at the wall.
And Barry said a course correction
Was needed to stop insurrection.
But please protect our secret files
By feeding them to crocodiles.
Then use your mighty capability…
But stopped and said we don’t presume
How you should bring about their doom.
But give your land back its stability.
Then, pausing, said, “for what it’s worth,”
And whispered something of his birth.

CRANK CALLS: FOR OUR SISTERS AND BROTHERS IN THE MIDDLE EAST

If arrogance brings on destruction,
America is surely doomed -
Providing help with its instruction
For status quos should be entombed:
We preach against an insurrection
And cry it won’t bring resurrection
Of freedom from its prison cells
Or riches from the big cartels.
Surrounded as we are by billions -
Who, tired of leaders who donate
Their services as chief of state
To us but not their own civilians, -
They’ll finally have us by the balls
And cut ’em off for our crank calls.

THE PURPOSE OF MY SATIRE

My satire’s aimed at evildoers
Located in the church and state.
Both stuff our heads with their manures
So that they can debilitate
Our minds from doing any thinking
Beyond what’s argued by lipsyncing
Whatever dogma they may push,
As they did in the Age of Bush.
He tangled them in combination
Compounding them into a GOD
So he could get away with fraud.
My satire then’s a vaccination
To strengthen what you have of wit
Before it’s altogether shit.