It happened as George Bush was flying
Home from Iraq on Air Force One.
He'd been locked in his bathroom trying
To take a dump; and when he'd done
He stepped out of his bathroom closet
(He'd left behind a huge deposit)
To see the cabins emptied out.
No one responed to his shout.
But heaps of clothes, as he well-noted,
Lay scattered on the seats and floor,
Like sale day at a K-Mart store.
"My God," he thought, "they've been promoted
And raptured up." Then Tim LaHaye
Came stumbling in and looking gray.
"For God sakes, George, what were you thinking,"
Said Tim LaHaye, recovering some.
"They're gone. All gone. In just a blinking,"
Said Pastor Tim now looking glum.
"The pilots, too, are gone. You've slain us!
Because the stench from out your anus
Got loose through some small ruptured vent,
They needed air so out they went."
"Their clothes?" asked Bush. "It penetrated
Through everything down to the skin.
It smelled in very truth...like sin."
"And all because I defecated?"
He asked. The man just couldn't see
That was how he made policy.
"Oh, Lord," LaHaye said, "what a scandle
That you and I were left behind.
How will our Christian brethren handle
The seeming fact that God declind
To give us, as good Christians, credit...?"
"Oh shut up, Tim. Let's just forget it,"
Said Bush who rushed to take control
Of Air Force One, if not his soul.
"I have a plan for rectifying
The fact that God's not proved our pard.
Remember I flew for the Guard."
"Oh God, George, no " LaHaye said crying,
"You can't mean you believe your press?
You'll land us in an awful mess."
He did but it went undetected-
Their bodies never would be found.
The faithful claimed they’d been elected,
And lived in Heaven’s hallowed ground.
They’d both stripped naked, then, ejecting,
They’d left no bodies for inspecting:
For when Bush pulled the lever that
Ejected them, they turned to splat-
The seats fell out but with no power
To shoot them out the flight deck floor
The engines sucked them in; and gore
Shot out the back, a bloody shower
With not a trace of DNA
To prove 'twas Bush or Tim LaHaye.
Which goes to show my story's morals-
Religion needs a bunco squad
To show it resting on the laurels
Of yesteryear. It's now a fraud.
For if you know a bit of science,
You know religion's in defiance
Of laws that physics has explained.
The miracles it entertained
Are nothing more than wanting mama
To take her little ones in hand
And show the way to Never Land.
But if you would escape life's trauma,
Then join and make a common cause
With others, as advised by Oz.
- ► 2011 (199)
- ► 2008 (167)
- THE EVANGELICAL PROSECUTOR'S PRAYER
- MOKTADA AL-SADR'S SECRET VISIT TO IRAN
- FALL GUYS ( FOR SALMAN RUSHDIE )
- BYE BYE, JERRY
- FROM AN ATHEIST
- LIQUOR STORE STICK-UP (A RAP IN OTTAVA RIMA )
- THE MAKING OF A SAINT (FOR CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS)
- THE POPE IN BRAZIL
- AMERICA THE CLUELESS (FOR JOHN TIRMAN)
- LOG ROLLING
- THE VICTIM SPEAKS
- SELF-HELP MANIA
- ▼ May (13)