It happened as George Bush was flying
Home from Iraq on Air Force One.
He'd been locked in his bathroom trying
To take a dump; and when he'd done
He stepped out of his bathroom closet
(He'd left behind a huge deposit)
To see the cabins emptied out,
With none responding to his shout.
But heaps of clothes, as he well-noted,
Lay scattered on the seats and floor,
Like sale day at a K-Mart store.
"My God," he thought, "they've been promoted
And raptured up." Then Tim LaHaye
Came stumbling in and looking gray.
"For God sakes, George, what were you thinking,"
Said Tim LaHaye, recovering some.
"They're gone. All gone. In just a blinking,"
Said Pastor Tim now looking glum.
"The pilots, too, are gone. You've slain us!
Because the stench from out your anus
Got loose through some small ruptured vent,
They needed air so out they went."
"Their clothes?" asked Bush. "It penetrated
Through everything down to the skin.
It smelled in very truth...like sin."
"And all because I defecated?"
He asked. The man just couldn't see
That was how he made policy.
"Oh, Lord," LaHaye said, "what a scandle
That you and I were left behind.
How will our Christian brethren handle
The seeming fact that God declind
To give us, as good Christians, credit...?"
"Oh shut up, Tim. Let's just forget it,"
Said Bush who rushed to take control
Of Air Force One, if not his soul.
"I have a plan for rectifying
The fact that God's not proved our pard.
Remember I flew for the Guard."
"Oh God, George, no " LaHaye said crying,
"You can't mean you believe your press?
You'll land us in an awful mess."
He did but it went undetected-
Their bodies never would be found.
The faithful claimed they’d been elected,
And lived in Heaven’s hallowed ground.
They’d both stripped naked, then, ejecting,
They’d left no bodies for inspecting:
For when Bush pulled the lever that
Ejected them, they turned to splat-
The seats fell out but with no power
To shoot them out the flight deck floor
The engines sucked them in; and gore
Shot out the back, a bloody shower
With not a trace of DNA
To prove 'twas Bush or Tim LaHaye.
- ► 2011 (199)
- ► 2008 (167)
- THE ARGUMENT
- WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE WELL-EDUCATED (FOR ALFIE K...
- THE 400 CLUB ( FOR JOHNNY CONNER )
- A TRIBUTE TO JOHN LOCKE
- THE WAR LOVERS
- THE MAD BOMBER
- THE MIRACLE OF AGGREGATION
- WHY RELIGION ?
- FALL GUYS
- PRAYER RESEARCH
- THE VAGINA DIALOGUES 1
- THE VAGINA DIALOGUES 2
- THE VAGINA DIALOGUES 3
- ADVICE FOR THE NEW POET LAUREATE
- CANDOR IN AMERICAN FOREIGN POLICY
- DEMOCRACY'S A FINE THING
- AMERICAN AGGRESSION
- ▼ August (22)